Growing up, Mike always felt the weight of his parents’ expectations. His mother, a successful lawyer, and his father, a doctor, had set the bar impossibly high.

They often told him, “You can do anything, but you must be the best at it.” As a teenager, this pressure turned into perfectionism. Whether it was a school project or a basketball game, he couldn’t settle for anything less than flawless.

One day, he stayed up all night redoing a science assignment for the fifth time, erasing even the tiniest smudges. His teacher praised his work when he handed it in, but all Mike could see were the flaws. Later, his friends celebrated the weekend, but Mike sat alone, agonizing over whether he could’ve done better.

It wasn’t until years later that he realized the cost of trying to be perfect. He had missed out on joy, on living in the moment, always chasing a goal that felt out of reach.

How many of us know of some like Mike or perhaps you are a Mike? If you suffer from perfectionism, then read on. In this article we look at what perfectionism is, if there are healthy aspects to this condition, and offer several techniques on how to overcome the ceaseless drive to be the best.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is the inner desire to set and reach for excessively high standards. These standards can come from three different sources:

  • your parents and other caregivers
  • yourself
  • society

If you suffer from perfectionism, stop and become aware of the track that’s playing in your mind that causes you to feel the need to be nothing less than the best. Who does that internal voice remind you of?

The next question you need to consider is whether your striving is helping you or harming you.

Is perfectionism healthy?

While perfectionism can push you on to achieve excellence, it often leads to mental health issues.

Your levels of anxiety increase as you contemplate whether you can attain your desired outcome. Another factor that leads to anxiety is when you fall short of the mark. This can lead to a negative self-view, feelings of low self-worth, and depression.

There is also a risk that perfectionism can worsen pre-existing obsessive-compulsive behavior. Stress levels may surge as you deal with fear of failure and overthink situations, which can lead to paralysis in making decisions.

Additionally, perfectionism is associated with poor emotional regulation, resulting in emotional overload and burnout.

Letting go of perfectionism

Releasing your grip on the need to be perfect is necessary for embracing self-acceptance and building self-esteem. By freeing yourself from unrealistic expectations, you can focus on appreciating your inherent worth that lies beyond your achievements.

Let’s look at a variety of techniques that can help you break the bonds of perfectionism.

Overcoming perfectionism

Ridding yourself of the incessant push towards perfection allows you to be more authentic, which enhances your mental health and gives you a more fulfilling life.

There are a variety of methods that can help you overcome your perfectionism.

1. Overcome your perfectionist thinking

Perfectionism divides your world into one of duality. Everything is black and white. You have either succeeded or failed. That type of rationality only creates stress and anxiety.

Identifying your all-or-nothing thought patterns allows you to identify how these contribute to negative emotions and self-defeating behaviors.

There are strategies that can help you put an end to this type of cognitive distortion.

  • Reframe mistakes: See your mistakes as learning experiences rather than as failures. This shift in mindset will help you reduce your fear of failure and it encourages personal growth.
  • Accept “good enough”: This can be hard when you have an instilled sense of perfection. However, recognize that settling for okay results is enough. Such an approach can alleviate the pressure you have placed on yourself and will increase your self-esteem.
  • Pay attention to your thoughts: Become aware of your negative thoughts and cultivate self-compassion to combat your self-criticism.
  • Cognitive restructuring: Use techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy to challenge and change irrational thoughts. By doing so you find that your thinking habits become healthier. This is a method I used to help me overcome my negative thinking and self-deprecation.

The above methods help you foster greater self-acceptance and emotional well-being.

2. Set realistic and flexible goals

One of the major issues around perfectionism is the reality of the goals you have set for yourself. Goals are great, but unattainable ones only make you anxious.

Establishing realistic goals allows you to experience progress and success, which enhances motivation, confidence, and self-esteem.

Having flexibility with your outcomes allows you to adapt to unforeseen challenges without feeling discouraged.

Break down your goals into smaller, manageable steps. By doing so you make it easier to achieve success and keep yourself motivated.

3. Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion plays a vital role in breaking free from perfectionism by fostering a kinder, more understanding relationship with yourself.

This approach counters the harsh self-criticism typical of perfectionism by emphasizing self-kindness, mindfulness and the recognition of shared humanity. Have a look at that last word again…humanity. Let that sink into your mind and heart.

We are all human. Fallible. Flawed. Imperfect. Learn to accept your humanness. Embrace it with compassion and empathy.

You can become more self-loving by adding the following elements into your life:

  • Self-kindness: Consider the way you judge yourself and ask if is that the way you would treat another person. The next step is to contemplate why it is you are so harsh on yourself and then change that to empathy and understanding.
  • Become aware: How often do you pay conscious heed to the thoughts running non-stop through your mind? Embrace mindful awareness of your thinking and feelings, this gives you the chance to respond to self-critical thoughts with compassion rather than criticism.
  • Common humanity: By understanding and appreciating that everyone makes mistakes and has setbacks reduces feelings of isolation and builds a sense of connection with others.

Treating yourself with self-compassion does take time. It was months of introspection and dealing with feelings of inferiority before I learned how to accept who I am.

Be gentle with yourself, because gentleness is what is needed to overcome the fear and negativity that you will face as you seek to overcome your perfectionist attitude .

4. Focus on progress

This aligns with the goal setting I mentioned earlier. Perfectionism has you always fixated on the result: that unreasonably high standard that dangles tauntingly in the distance.

Shifting focus from the result to the process involves emphasizing incremental improvements, which can reduce pressure and increase satisfaction.

Through concentrating on small, manageable steps rather than overwhelming goals, you can experience a sense of accomplishment with each milestone achieved. This decreases stress.

You can track your progress using journals, or apps to record how far you have come. Rejoice in the small wins by treating yourself to something special such as a night out, a favorite snack, or anything else that you enjoy.

5. Get the right support

Take a moment to reflect on who has fed your appetite for perfection. Don’t judge these people because they, in their opinion, thought they were doing what was best for you.

Don’t be scared to dissect your support team and replace those on it who are contributing to your maladaptive drive for perfection.

A supportive network of friends, family, and mentors who provide positive feedback and support helps you shift your mindset away from perfectionism and promotes self-acceptance (i.e. embracing your humanity as I mentioned before). These factors contribute to making you more resilient against setbacks.

You can build a supportive team by:

  • Joining a club based on your interests, hobbies, and values.
  • Participate in support groups in which each member shares experiences and encourages one another.
  • Seek out people who listen and provide honest feedback that is motivated by love and compassion.
  • Talk with individuals who have differing views and backgrounds from yourself. This encourages you to be more open-minded and fosters deeper critical thinking.

Through setting up the right support system you are better equipped to deal with your perfectionist tendencies.

Imperfectly perfect

There is nothing wrong with perfectionism, per se. It becomes an issue when striving for unexceptionally high standards leaves you feeling anxious, stressed, and depressed.

If that’s the case with you, then take stock of the motivation behind your pushing towards perfection.

Is it to feel at peace within yourself? To gain recognition and accolades of your peers or parents?

Research shows that 92% of us are affected by perfectionism. Does that mean you just accept your fate and move on? No. If you find your life is being negatively impacted by this condition, there is hope.

The methods I have covered in this article are stepping stones in the right direction. Learn to be comfortable with making mistakes. Understand that you are human, so stop expecting yourself to be someone super-human.

You are imperfectly perfect. Allow yourself to be okay with that.

 

– Brian Simms