Have you ever found yourself irritated by someone’s behavior, only to realize that the annoying trait is one that you possess? Could it be that the emotion you are currently experiencing is the same one you assume the other person is also exhibiting? I have done this…a lot. Typically when I’m anxious or upset I assume the person I am with is also feeling the same. Welcome to emotional projection.

In this post I will take you through a deeper understanding of emotional projection, why we use it, and how you can recognize when you are projecting your emotions onto others. Also, I want to show you how to respond when on the receiving end of projection. Why does all this matter? Through awareness of this psychological reaction, you are better equipped to strengthen relationships due to a more profound understanding of yourself and others.

What is emotional projection?

In psychological terms, emotional projection is a defense mechanism. When your ego is under threat, it puts up walls to protect itself from being hurt. In this case, we unconsciously attribute our feelings, thoughts, or traits onto someone else. For example, Joan is insecure about her appearance. Instead of confronting the issue, she is always criticizing others for the way they look. That judgment is a reflection of the inner conflict Joan is dealing with.

It can be unsettling to know that the traits we like to hammer others on are the ones we dislike within ourselves. Psychology Today suggests that this not only stumps our personal growth (and the chance to be happier), but it can also harm relationships.

How projection plays out in our lives

I’ll be honest, when I first learned about projection, I didn’t think it applied to me. “I’m just perceptive,” I told myself. “I see things for what they are.” That fed into my ego: “Look at how sharp I am!” But then I started paying attention.

For example, there was a time I thought a coworker was being passive-aggressive toward me. I’d interpret every comment and sideways glance as proof that they had an issue. But when I took a step back, I realized I’d been holding onto resentment from a past disagreement. They weren’t the problem—I was projecting my unresolved feelings onto them. There’s a revelation we all need!

Projection often shows up in personal relationships, too. Have you ever accused your partner of being distant, only to realize you were the one pulling away? This happens because relationships act as mirrors, reflecting our own emotional landscapes. Many people talk about being caught up in toxic relationships. Yet, it’s what you both have brought into the relationship – hurt, pain, distrust, self-esteem problems – all these unresolved issues projected onto your partner is why things are so tumultuous.

The psychology behind projection

So why do we engage in emotional projection? The quick answer is that it’s easier to externalize our struggles than deal with them. You don’t need to sit down and take a long hard look at yourself. Why should you? After all, it’s “them” and not you that is at fault. But, as you have seen, that isn’t the truth – you are only kidding yourself.

Emotional projection can have significant consequences, leading to misunderstandings, conflict, and having you push away from the ones you care about. However, there is good news: once you are aware of emotional projection you can stop it. But, first, let’s look at how you can spot the times you engage in projection.

Recognizing yourself in projection

How do you know when you are projecting? After all, it’s something we have all engaged in. Emotional projection is a subtle beast, but there are tell-tale signs to help you pin it down.

Overreacting

How often have you made a mountain out of a molehill? I have done it countless times! The reaction is disproportionate to the size of the issue. When you overreact, take it as a sign to step back, breathe, and ask yourself this pointed question: “Do I see myself in what the person has said or done?”

For instance, if someone’s tardiness drives you up the wall, it might be time to examine the guilt you feel about your time management. This is an issue that I struggle with. I hate being late and when others turn up on time to a meeting (I am always early) I secretly judge them. Yet, the reality is that I am envious of them because they have had more time for themselves before the meeting.

Being hypercritical

Remember Joan? Criticizing others about traits you secretly worry you possess is an indicator of emotional projection. Maybe you judge others for being “too needy”. Take that as a sign that, perhaps, you are uncomfortable with your own need for support.

You become defensive

This is a classic Freudian defense mechanism. When someone points out a flaw you have, you suddenly puff up and push back aggressively. This can be because what the person has said hits home and you don’t want to (or are ready to) acknowledge that part of you.

I reached out to someone close to me who expressed they were concerned about their drinking. The conversation was going great until I asked them how much and how often they drank. That’s when they got upset and told me it was none of my business.

Dealing with the projection from others

Projection isn’t just something we do – it’s also something we experience from others. Just as you have learned how to recognize when you are projecting your thoughts, emotions, and traits onto the person in front of you, it’s equally important to know when you are on the receiving end of emotional projection.

As an example, let’s say a friend accuses you of being selfish, but their logic and reasoning have you scratching your head in confusion. Your friend is likely projecting their guilt about prioritizing their needs over yours.

When you sense that you may be a victim of projection, here is what you can do:

  • Stay calm: Don’t take things personally. The projection says more about the other person than it does you
  • Set boundaries: If you feel hurt or upset by the projection, it’s okay to say “I understand you’re upset, but this is unfair.” If you struggle with boundary setting, I have written previously on how to create boundaries and what they can do to boost your confidence
  • Show empathy: A little understanding is all that is needed to diffuse a situation. Rather than getting your back up, reach out a hand of compassion and empathy. For instance, you might respond with “It sounds like you aren’t happy at the moment – let’s talk about it.”

How to break free from emotional projection

Now that you have the tools to identify the times when you engage in emotional projection, the next step is to put an end to it. Let me give you techniques that have helped me.

1. Own your feelings

This was a hard one for me because I suffered from self-esteem issues. I would lash out with all sorts of accusations. Through introspection, I eventually learned how to deal with my internal issues. It gave me the ability to be honest with myself and own my feelings.

Instead of blaming others for the way you feel, take responsibility for your emotions. For example, if you are angry at someone, ask yourself if there is something deeper going on.

2. Do the inner work

Looking within yourself and dealing with what you find in the recesses of your mind and soul isn’t an overnight thing. It’s a never-ending task. I have been doing this for a couple of decades and I still am uncovering new things within myself that have been hidden away deep inside of me. However, don’t be discouraged, It’s a beautiful process because it allows you to grow and become a better person.

If you find it hard to deal with the problems that have you projecting your emotions, then seek the support of a therapist. I did and it was one of the best things I could have done for myself. A therapist can guide you in unpacking unresolved emotions, childhood experiences, and insecurities that fuel this behavior.

3. Practice emotional regulation

In my teenage years and into my twenties I found it hard to keep my emotions under control. Being bullied and picked on, plus a semi-unstable home environment, filled me with hate, anger, and resentment. I would snap at the drop of a hat.

When I discovered mindfulness and breathwork, my world changed dramatically. Both were incredible tools for me. They empowered me to be able to work through and accept my emotions. I became calmer and less reactive. I encourage you to explore these or other practices as a means of developing emotional regulation.

4. Cultivate self-compassion

Self-compassion was something I lacked for most of my life. My thinking was that if people didn’t like or accept me, why should I accept myself? Yet, as I mentioned, I sought professional help for my problems. I came out the other side with a better understanding of the hows and whys of who I was.

The great thing is that I was given the tools via Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to change the way I saw myself. Self-acceptance and self-compassion began to bloom in me.

One of the reasons we project is because we are so hard on ourselves. Learning to accept your imperfections and being comfortable with them makes it easier to stop projecting them onto others.

5. Seek feedback

This can be a challenge since we might not like what we hear. However, you need to be open-minded and honest with yourself. Trusted friends and family members can offer you valuable insights about your behavior. They might notice patterns in the way you act that you are completely ignorant of. Accept the input. Process it. Then make the necessary changes.

We are all guilty of emotional projection

Projection is something we all do. It’s a part of being human. Yet, it doesn’t have to control your life. Recognizing the times when you are emotionally projecting and taking steps to address it can improve your relationships and deepen your self-awareness.

I encourage you to take some time for introspection. Pay attention to your judgments, reactions, and assumptions. They might just hold the key to understanding yourself better. The most important thing is to approach the practice with a lot of self-compassion and patience.

 

– Brian Simms