Some people are natural social butterflies while others, like I was, are more reserved and hesitant in social situations. It is possible to improve your confidence when out amongst others and, as you will see in this post, it’s an important skill.

Approach this challenge with patience. After all, it does take time for a caterpillar to transform into a butterfly.

With that in mind, why bother cultivating social confidence?

The importance of social confidence

Take a moment and ask yourself the following questions:

  • Is my connection with my friends and family as deep as they could be?
  • How assertive am I in social situations?
  • Do I feel comfortable with expressing my opinions?
  • Is it easy for me to initiate small talk with someone?
  • How emotionally reactive am I to comments from friends/family/peers?

The answers you fathom through this type of contemplation allow you to gauge your level of self-confidence.

But don’t think that your level of self-esteem reflects how well you engage in social interactions. Will Bratt from Heart and Oak Therapy says that such an idea is an overgeneralization.

Improved social confidence gives you the ability to:

  • share your opinions and ideas with others.
  • be more open and understanding of different perspectives and beliefs. You don’t feel threatened by views opposed to yours.
  • become the authentic person you are meant to be as you are more comfortable about who you truly are.
  • engage in more meaningful conversations that build and enrich your relationships.
  • set boundaries and say “No” when appropriate.

With so much that social confidence has to offer, it can be difficult to develop. There are emotional and psychological barriers that need to be confronted and addressed. This has been a part of my journey in self-development and an area I still am working on strengthening.

Common challenges to social confidence

Those who have read my previous posts know that I was bullied constantly as a teenager. That impacted the way I interacted with people. Every time I met someone I would consider them with suspicion and distrust. It is the same for people who have a background in which there was physical or verbal abuse. This affects how you see yourself, the world, and other people.

Every social situation is filtered through the lens of your beliefs and perceptions about others. It is possible to change your point of view because it is something I have done. Let me take you through some of the challenges that impact your social confidence.

Fear of rejection and judgment

This one was a huge obstacle for me. It is part of our human nature to want to be accepted and be part of a group (e.g., a family, society, your culture, your peers). Fear of rejection typically originates in childhood through being abandoned either physically or emotionally by a parent. Other contributing factors are:

  • the loss of a parent (through their passing away or divorce)
  • being bullied

Individuals who have some physical, mental, or psychological condition may experience being judged and shunned. Any group has what it considers to be the accepted standard for inclusion in the clique. Those who fall short of this standard may be subjected to ridicule, judgment, and rejection.

The result is that you worry about how others will perceive you. That can make you feel anxious in social situations.

Low self-esteem

Here is another challenge that I had to face. Whenever I was in a meeting or group I would tell myself I had nothing important to contribute. Therefore I would simply sit silently and start doing what CBT therapists call “mind-reading”. All this stems from low self-esteem which feeds into your feeling of low social confidence.

Overthinking and perfectionism

How often have you thought about an upcoming social event such as a first date, a presentation at work, or attending a party? You don’t want to make a mistake and look stupid (ah, there’s that fear of rejection and judgment) and so you play the scenario over and over again in your mind.

When you are in the situation, you begin to overanalyze everything which leads to hesitation. This makes it hard for you to relax and enjoy yourself.

Comparing yourself to others

I would do this…a lot. How often have you met someone who seems to have it all and, when you look at yourself, you feel so small and insignificant? Comparing yourself to others can reduce your confidence, increase self-doubt, and stir up feelings of jealousy and envy

Lack of social skills

If you don’t know how to start and carry a conversation, read social cues and other people, or know how to respond appropriately, you feel inadequate when socializing.  That awkward period of silence when you are struggling to connect with the other person has you stressing and becoming anxious. Then the voice of self-criticism starts to make itself heard.

The good news is that you don’t have to remain a victim of these social obstacles. Through self-determination, consistent effort, and patience you can become socially adept. My journey has seen me transformed from a person who considered everyone I met as a threat to now considering strangers as friends I haven’t met yet.

Strategies for building social confidence

There are a variety of ways you can transform into someone who can hold their own in social settings. These range from addressing negative self-talk to changing the clothes you wear, and the body language you use.

Challenge self-talk

The words you tell yourself are merely repetitions of what others have said to you that you consider to be fact. It is the soundtrack of your self-image. The self-talk I had in social situations was “People are staring and laughing at you”, “Your opinions and ideas aren’t relevant, so don’t bother saying anything”, and “Nobody ever listens to you”.

We hold such ideas/beliefs as true because we have accepted them as such. You consider it as your self-opinion, but you need to realize that it isn’t.

As I mentioned, self-talk is formed by the ideas and opinions of others. Granted we gave this importance because they came from our parents, caregivers, other authority figures, and our peers. However, that doesn’t mean that their criticisms and assessments of you are accurate.

Look back on the positive social experiences you have had in which you were comfortable and confident. That tells you that you have the skills and ability to carry yourself in a social setting. Use that information to challenge your negative self-talk.

Be prepared

Preparation can significantly boost your confidence. Before attending a social event, gather information about it. Know the event’s purpose, the expected dress code, and who might be attending. This knowledge helps you feel more in control and less anxious about the unknown. Additionally, prepare a few conversation starters or topics (avoid politics and religion unless the event is based on these subjects)  to discuss. This preparation can ease the pressure of thinking on your feet and help you engage more comfortably.

Dress for Success

Your appearance can have a profound impact on your confidence. Dressing in a way that makes you feel good about yourself can enhance your self-esteem and presence. Choose outfits that reflect your personality and make you feel comfortable and confident. When you feel good about how you look, it often translates into how you carry yourself in social situations.

For me, I sometimes have to wear a suit. When I do I feel completely different and that impacts my confidence. You will find that people react and treat you differently!

Practice Social Skills

Social skills improve with practice. Engage in regular social interactions, even if they’re small, like chatting with a barista or making small talk with a colleague. These interactions provide opportunities to practice and refine your skills. Over time, you’ll find that your ability to engage with others improves, and your confidence naturally increases.

Gradual Exposure

If social situations make you anxious, consider using gradual exposure to build your confidence. Start with low-stakes interactions and gradually move to more challenging ones. For instance, begin by attending small gatherings before progressing to larger events. This gradual approach allows you to build confidence incrementally and reduces the overwhelming feeling that can accompany significant social events.

In my case, I had a retail job so I was thrust into a situation in which I had to speak to people. One of my work colleagues was involved in the local drama society and invited me to audition for a play. I got the part and had to perform in front of people! That was my next step in growing my social confidence.

Your journey may not be as dramatic as mine. Take things slowly and progressively increase the opportunities and situations that will cultivate your confidence.

Active Listening and Questioning

Engaging in active listening and asking questions can significantly enhance your confidence in social situations. By focusing on the other person and showing genuine interest, you build rapport and make the interaction more enjoyable. Active listening also takes the pressure off you to constantly think of things to say, allowing you to respond naturally and confidently.

Body Language Awareness

Being aware of your body language can enhance your presence in social situations. Confident body language includes maintaining eye contact, standing or sitting up straight, and using open gestures. These non-verbal cues convey confidence to others and can also make you feel more self-assured. Practice these techniques in everyday interactions to make them second nature.

The incredible thing about changing your body language is that it does make you more confident. Your subconscious mind takes its cue from this and eventually, you become more confident. It is a method that has helped me in my quest for social confidence.

Release the butterfly

Social confidence, like any other skill, is something that can be developed. I am a testament to that. It requires overcoming the challenges such as fear of rejection and negative self-talk. Perhaps you don’t see yourself as someone socially competent, but you can become such a person.

Start slowly and engage in social activity that you are comfortable with. For some, it may be making small talk with the cashier at the supermarket. Others may feel they want to stick their hand up and volunteer to do a presentation at work. There is no need to rush the process. Take it one step at a time and proceed at a speed that sits well with you.

Celebrate the success you have as it is a milestone towards your end goal: being a social butterfly. With each social victory, you are gradually releasing the butterfly.

 

 – Brian Simms