Having boundaries was something that I wasn’t good at. Because I was a chronic people pleaser, I tended to say “Yes” to anything and anyone. The motivation lay in my wanting to be accepted and appreciated by those around me.

Yet, the lack of boundaries had a big effect on my overall well-being. I wanted things to be different, to draw a line in the sand and tell the world to back off.

Eventually, I gained the confidence to enforce personal and professional boundaries. In this article, I will explain what boundaries are, why we need them, strategies for setting them up, and the challenges you will face.

Why you need boundaries

Healthy boundaries are necessary for confidence and self-esteem. When you establish boundaries in your life, you are letting others know that you respect and value yourself.

It’s also an indicator of your strengths, abilities, and achievements. You don’t allow others to use you or undercut who you are and what you’re capable of.

By having boundaries you can be more assertive and confident around telling others about your needs, desires, and how you are feeling.

Understanding boundaries

There are a variety of boundaries and having an understanding of these empowers you to be able to know which ones to set.

1. Physical boundaries

As the name implies, this type of boundary has to do with anything physical that makes you either comfortable or uneasy. It includes your personal space, whether you like being touched, and survival needs such as rest, food, water, and shelter.

2. Emotional boundaries

This type of boundary is all about respecting and honoring feelings. It allows you to understand your emotional limits. Also, you pick up when it’s an appropriate time to share and when to hold back.

Being able to validate the feelings and emotions of others is another important aspect of this type of boundary.

3. Time boundaries

Time is a valuable commodity and you want to use it wisely. Establishing boundaries means you understand your priorities and don’t overcommit yourself. When you know what’s important to you. It’s much easier to limit the time you are giving to others.

4. Material boundaries

These are based on your materialistic goods and wealth. Understand what you can and can’t share with others. Another consideration is how people will treat your things if you lend them out.

Importance of recognizing your limits

Knowing when to say “No” is necessary to protect your emotional and mental health. It indicates that you know your importance and value yourself.

Recognition of your limits also keeps you from burning out. You know how much you can handle before reaching breaking point.

Additionally, it enables you to avoid situations that can stress you out or set you off emotionally.

Another advantage of being aware of your limits is that you become more productive because you don’t overcommit yourself. Therefore you have time to complete tasks with the care and attention they deserve.

What’s the connection between boundaries and confidence?

How does setting boundaries improve confidence? After all, it’s typically a lack of confidence that has us not enforcing our boundaries. Well, at least that was the case with me.

Establishing boundaries is all about recognizing your self-worth and protecting it. Letting others know that you respect yourself.

You value yourself

Setting boundaries indicates that you understand your own needs, values, and limits. When you put your well-being first you are indicating to yourself and others that you see your inherent self-worth.

Having boundaries also shields you against behaviors that may diminish your self-esteem. Often I had people take advantage of me and use me because I didn’t value myself.

Clear boundaries stop others from dictating how you should feel or behave. This allows you to be authentic to yourself.

You will find that when you stand your ground people will begin to respect you. That’s because you have begun to respect yourself.

Strategies for setting boundaries

Okay, you know what boundaries are and why you need them, but how do you go about setting these up in your life? This was something I had difficulty with but the following strategies helped immensely.

1. Identify your limits

Take a piece of paper, and divide it down the middle so that you have two columns. Now, reflect upon the things that you are physically, emotionally, and mentally comfortable with those things you aren’t okay with. Record these in the corresponding sections of your paper.

For example, if you often feel overwhelmed when friends expect you to socialize after work every day, recognize that you need one night for yourself each week.

Look back at your list. Those things that you have listed in the column of things you aren’t comfortable with are your boundaries.

2. Clear communication

If you use vague language regarding your boundaries, then people will be confused about where your limits start and stop. Therefore, you must state your boundaries with clear, specific information. For example, instead of saying “I need some space” (how indistinct is that?), restate this as “I need the next hour for myself to recharge.”

3. Be assertive

This can be hard to do if you have low self-confidence. I know because I was this type of person. Assertiveness is all about using “I” statements to convey your feelings but without sounding accusatory.

If you are constantly asked to work overtime you could say “I’m not available for extra work outside of my standard hours.” Another instance of being assertive is letting people know what type of communication is acceptable by insisting “I need you to speak to me respectfully, and I won’t carry on this discussion if this tone continues.” When I was working in sales, I used a similar line when angry customers wanted to vent.

One trick to being assertive is to show compassion at the same time. An example could be “I appreciate where you’re coming from, but I’ve thought this through and need to stick with my decision. I hope you understand.”

4. Start small and practice saying “No”

This is what I did to help me become better at setting boundaries. Remember I mentioned how I was a people pleaser? That’s why it was hard to refuse requests. Yet, it was something that I needed to do.

At first when you say no all sorts of scary thoughts will run through your mind. “Will the person still want to talk to me?” “Are they upset with me now?” Then you will start to catastrophize and read imagined things into the situation and body language of the other person.

But, trust me, it’s not as bad as you thought. In fact, things will be just fine. In the worst-case scenario if the person is upset, then let them own that. Don’t take their resentment onboard.

So, start your boundary-setting journey off with something small such as turning down a friend’s request to go for a coffee. Then, make the next step and the next one and the next one. Eventually, you will be comfortable with saying “No” when appropriate.

5. Stay consistent

If you waver on your boundary setting, then it only leads to confusion for others. It also undermines your authority and damages any respect you may have gained. Don’t be wishy-washy with your boundaries. Stick to your guns and let people know that “no” means exactly that…NO!

Challenges around setting boundaries

Having clear boundaries is one aspect of maintaining your mental and emotional well-being. However, you may face several challenges when it comes to setting these important limits in your life.

Fear of conflict

This was a big issue for me. I hate arguments and fighting. So it seemed easier just to let people overstep their mark. Fear of conflict can prevent you from being assertive. This can lead to avoidance behavior in which you choose not to express your boundaries just so that you can keep the peace.

Guilt and shame

People with low self-esteem can feel guilty or consider it selfish to prioritize their own needs. Especially if they think that enforcing a boundary will disappoint or hurt others. Therefore, they will bend or break their boundary just to keep the other party happy.

Cultural and societal norms

Some cultures have expectations that make it difficult to set boundaries, especially if the emphasis is placed on complying with accepted values and self-sacrifice over needs. People brought up in such a setting may feel frustration when trying to step out of the mold and instill their boundaries.

Emotional manipulation

There are people who use guilt, emotional appeals, or manipulation to destroy boundaries. Toxic relationships are a classic example of this. The emotional exploitation can lead to feelings of doubt and uncertainty that erase the clear lines of your boundary.

To overcome these challenges, you can:

  • Practice self-reflection: Regularly assess personal needs and limits to increase clarity.
  • Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide guidance and encouragement.
  • Prepare for conversations: Plan how to communicate boundaries effectively and anticipate potential reactions.
  • Use positive affirmations: Reinforce the validity of your needs and boundaries through affirmations or journaling.

By recognizing these challenges and employing strategies to address them, you can better navigate the process of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Time to make your stand

When you don’t have personal or professional boundaries, then you lack control of your life. Others freely will come and take advantage of you. Your deteriorating well-being will start to let you know that things aren’t going great for you.

Setting boundaries can be terrifying at first if you have found doing this difficult. Yet, it’s possible to draw your line in the sand. To let others know what you will and won’t tolerate.

When you step up and establish your limits then you will find that your confidence is strengthened.

It’s time to draw your line.

 

 – Brian Simms