When I was a teenager and even into my early twenties I had a hard time managing my anger. If someone said the wrong thing it would set me off. Yet, I wasn’t physically aggressive, I would simply scream and yell and then walk away to stew in my anger.

How many times have you struggled to control an emotion?

Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to identify and manage your emotions. It also relates to how you respond to and influence the feelings of others.

The main focus of EI is on emotional awareness. Not only the positive emotions but also those negative ones that we may seek to repress.

If you have struggled with your emotions, if you feel that they control you more than you control them, there is hope.

Let me show you how you can develop emotional awareness and what it offers.

Why you need emotional awareness.

Cultivating EI allows you to experience a more fulfilling life. Instead of repressing the negative emotions, you allow them to surface, acknowledge them, and healthily express them. That brings emotional balance into your life which equates to you being a more holistic person.

Relationships are enhanced through emotional awareness. You can connect with people on a deeper level and show greater empathy towards them, which creates stronger interpersonal bonds.

You become less reactive in stressful situations. That allows you to think clearer and, through that cognitive clarity, you’re able to make better decisions.

Conflicts are resolved more effectively because you have an awareness of the underlying emotions that caused the problem. Also, you can choose whether you want to be involved in the situation or not.

Emotional awareness gives you the ability to identify the triggers that set you off. Once you know those you can take action to reduce your reaction to them.

When it comes to the triggers, be compassionate and empathetic with yourself. They have been created by unpleasant memories or experiences from the past. Understanding how the triggers have formed and dismantling them allows you to proceed into the future with greater freedom.

My trigger points were when someone said that I’m stupid (that one really would set my anger aflame!). Also, I would become nervous whenever people would slap their hand on a desk or countertop (a situation that reminded me of threatening authority figures from my childhood).

Developing emotional self-awareness

There are several ways you can cultivate awareness of your emotions as well as your trigger points. Try any one of the following methods and settle on the one(s)that resonates with you. If you are familiar with my other posts, you will see that I lean towards meditation and mindfulness, which are the first strategies we will look at.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness has become a buzzword in many circles and for good reason. It’s a practice that provides you with the ability to experience this present moment, as it is, without judgment. It promotes equanimity where you allow things simply to be without feeling the need to change them.

Through this ancient practice, you become mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. We tend to crave the positive emotions while shunning away from the negative ones.

However, through mindfulness, you learn that emotions (as well as anything else in life) are impermanent. The good feelings come and go. So do the less desirable emotions. Mindfulness teaches you to accept emotions.

Through this awareness, you learn how your feelings, emotions, thoughts, and physiology are deeply interconnected. With that, you can develop equanimity, which is calmness and composure, particularly when going through a bad “emotional patch”. The analogy often used in mindfulness circles is to see your emotions as waves on an ocean. Simply allow them to surface and then allow the waves to descend back into your ocean (the subconscious).

Meditation

Meditation can take many forms such as breathing meditation, a more formal practice in which you close your eyes and relax, or taking some time out to sit amongst nature.

Whatever form you choose, the goal is to become more self-conscious of yourself. Ask yourself why have you decided to take up meditation. Spend time reflecting before and after the session to see the difference within yourself.

Meditation gives us the chance to still ourselves. To ponder and discover who we are at a fundamental level. You can great insight into your authentic self.

The internal changes that take place through meditation are reflected in your external world through more peace, greater awareness and connection to the world around you, and enhanced relationships.

Self-talk

Here is a great test to check how healthy your self-talk is. Ask yourself this question:

Would I say the things to my best friend that I say to myself?

We are so quick to build up others yet put ourselves down in the blink of an eye. Why is that? You may think you are merely being humble, but it’s a false humility.

The root of our self-talk can be found by reflecting on the past. It’s a result of familial, cultural, and societal conditioning.

Next time you are talking to yourself (whether it’s praise or criticism) ask yourself where did that belief or comment come from? Who or what instilled it into you?

Then consider this vital point: Is self-talk an accurate assessment of who you are?

Most of us have lived our lives dictated by the soundtrack that plays within our heads. We take it as fact. That’s because we have listened to and conformed with what that soundtrack has been telling us about ourselves. It has created our sense of identity and how we emotionally respond to the world within and outside of ourselves.

Is it possible to change the track? Definitely. I have spent many years changing my self-talk. It does require awareness, understanding, and patience.

If you find that negative self-talk is a major problem in your life, then seek professional help. That’s what I did.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is an option worth exploring as it focuses on analyzing your thoughts and self-image and challenging the truthfulness of any negative self-concept you have.

Journaling

Writing down your thoughts can help you become aware of recurring patterns or themes in your life.

Looking back at what you have written you can objectively dissect the emotions and feelings that have been recorded in your journal.

What makes you cringe when you read back in what you have written? Why do you feel that way? Would you like to change that aspect of yourself?

What makes you smile and feel proud? Why?

Journaling is a great emotional outlet that allows you to reflect and ponder what you would like to change about yourself.

Input from others

When it comes to emotional self-awareness, input from others can be an invaluable resource. You need to be open-minded and respectful of the advice provided to you. Set aside your ego.

Ask those who you can trust to give you honest feedback regarding your emotional reactivity. You may not like what you hear but take on board every piece of input. It’s constructive criticism that aids you in becoming more in touch with your emotions and feelings.

This is a method that I found hard to adopt. My pride and ego (built from years of independence) put up walls that kept me from growing. Eventually, I taught myself how to consider the advice provided by other people and look at things from their perspective.

Slowly my defenses crumbled and I was more open to alternative viewpoints.

Areas that are often overlooked in Emotional Intelligence

In the realm of EI, there are several fields that many people fail to pay heed to. An understanding of these neglected areas can help you develop a deeper level of discernment around your emotions.

The Role of Physical Sensations in Emotional Awareness

Understanding emotions starts with recognizing the physical sensations that accompany them. Many people struggle to identify their emotions because they overlook these bodily cues. For example, anxiety might manifest as a tight chest, while anger could feel like a rush of heat. Tuning into these sensations can provide vital clues about what you’re feeling, helping you to label and understand your emotions more accurately. This is one thing that the Buddhist practice of Vipassana meditation helps to develop: the awareness of how your thoughts, emotions, and body are interconnected.

Cultural Context of Emotions

Emotional expression and interpretation can vary significantly across cultures. For instance, what is considered an appropriate display of happiness in one culture might be seen as excessive in another. This cultural nuance is frequently overlooked in general discussions about EI Understanding the cultural context of emotions can enhance empathy and improve interpersonal interactions, making it an essential component of EI.

Being open-minded to other cultures and having discussions with people from those cultures helps in developing the knowledge required.

The Importance of Emotional Granularity

Emotional granularity refers to the ability to distinguish between similar emotions, such as frustration and anger. This skill is crucial for effective emotional management because it allows for more precise responses to emotional experiences.

Being able to recognize the subtle shades along the emotional spectrum can lead to better emotional regulation.

The Dynamic Nature of Emotional Intelligence

Some consider EI as a fixed trait rather than a skill that can be developed and refined over time. In reality, it is dynamic and can be enhanced through practice and learning.

By viewing emotional intelligence as a lifelong learning process, you can become more adept at managing your emotions and improving your interpersonal relationships.

It’s all a matter of how open you are to transforming yourself.

The Potential Downsides of High Emotional Intelligence

While high EI is generally seen as beneficial, it can sometimes lead to negative outcomes, such as emotional exhaustion or manipulation.

Individuals with high EI might become overwhelmed by the emotional demands of others, or they might use their skills to manipulate situations to their advantage. A balanced view of emotions should include these potential downsides to provide a more comprehensive understanding.

The Interplay Between Cognition and Emotion

The false dichotomy between “emotional” and “rational” thinking is often perpetuated, ignoring how emotions inform decision-making and vice versa.

Think back on a situation in which you were extremely panicked and had to make a decision! Emotions and cognition are deeply interconnected, and recognizing this interplay can lead to better decision-making and problem-solving.

Emotions provide valuable information about our values and priorities, which can guide rational thought processes.

Emotional mastery

We may feel that our emotions control us rather than the other way around. However, it is possible to take charge of your feelings and tame them. Awareness is the key.

The practices covered in this article are ideal for enabling you to become conscious of your emotions and their source.

Through EI, you grow to be an individual who is less reactive during trying situations. Empathy and compassion are cultivated, allowing you to understand others at a deeper level. That strengthens relational bonds.

When you master your emotions, you are taking control of your life. You possess the ability to think and make decisions with clarity. You are no longer pushed and pulled by the whims of your feelings…

They have been reigned in by the captain of the emotional ship.

 

– Brian Simms