Assertiveness is a skill that allows you to express yourself directly but with honesty and respect. I struggled to develop it for a couple of reasons: a lack of self-confidence, which was motivated by a fear of rejection, and wanting to be a people-pleaser (so I could be accepted and liked by others).

“No” was a hard word for me to utter when I was asked to help others or when people wanted to encroach on my time. My door (physically and emotionally) was always open, and that meant letting myself be taken advantage of.

When asked for my opinion, I shuddered because I considered that my ideas didn’t matter. My low self-esteem screamed that out loud and clear. Having others decide for me and tell me what to do was easier because I gained their approval.

But inside, a part of me wanted to stick up for myself. To stop being easily led by the whims of those around me. Assertiveness was something I shied away from because it made me feel uncomfortable. What would people think of me when I started to turn them down? Would they be offended and hate me? This was a fear that I had to confront and self-assurance was a skill that I needed to develop.

If my story resonates with you, I can verify that it is possible to become assertive. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Assertiveness is you taking back your power. Putting yourself first, yet also being open to assisting others when necessary.

Here are tips that will enable you to build assertiveness into your daily life.

1. Have boundaries

I have written about the importance of boundaries before. Boundaries were something that I lacked. My proverbial red carpet was rolled out and everyone decided to trample on it. The feelings of frustration and repressed anger ate away at my mental health.

Boundaries establish a baseline from which respect, safety, and trust can be created in personal and professional relationships. They let us know what we and others will tolerate and not tolerate. Of course, there can be unhealthy boundaries such as completely isolating yourself from any means of social contact.

Having personal limits is necessary for maintaining your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. That’s why assertiveness is necessary. It reinforces your “dividing line”. This is especially important when the line is blurred around your work-life balance. Feel free to inform people that:

“I prefer to discuss work matters during business hours, so I may not respond to messages sent outside of that time.”

For those unexpected guests (i.e. friends who think they can drop by whenever it suits them) you can politely say:

“I’d appreciate it if you contacted me before coming. It allows me to prepare better.”

If you are someone (as I am) who people seek out for emotional support and comfort, it can be exhausting for you. You also need your space to recharge. This is something that I had to do because my place became a de facto drop-in center. To make your mark in the sand around your emotional support, tell your friends and family “I understand that you’re upset, but I can’t be the only person you lean on. Have you considered talking about your problem with someone else?”

That phrase may sound callous and hard, but you have to realize that you are no good to anyone if you are mentally and emotionally burnt out.

2. Practice saying “No” without feeling guilty

This was a hard one for me to nurture in my life. That’s because the rejection I felt in saying that two-letter word: “No” was at odds with a self-instilled narrative that I had to be a nice guy. Turning people down, and refusing to do extra work when asked, filled me with immense guilt. Nice people always agree to help others. Nice people always put themselves last, not first. You can see that my concept of what a “nice person” is meant to be was flawed.

Then one day, I had a ground-shattering moment: I said “No” to a request. It was a baby step towards being more assertive. The guilt came flooding in, but I chose to accept that feeling. Add to that a fear that the person I knocked back would dislike me. That idea was a fallacy created in my imagination.

Are you like me and feel the tinge of remorse and regret when you say “No”? Here are a bunch of tips to help you beat back those emotions:

  • Value your needs
  • Never compromise on your well-being
  • Saying “No” doesn’t equate to rejecting people
  • See “No” as you reframing the situation, that is you are turning down one opportunity for another one that aligns better with your priorities
  • Be respectful when you turn down an offer or invitation
  • Show yourself self-compassion. The uncomfortable feelings will surface when you decline a proposition. Acknowledge these, but don’t take them as a self-deprecating commentary of who you are as a person. Over time the pangs of these emotions weaken

3. Use “I” statements to validate your needs

When your self-confidence is running low, sticking up for yourself seems to be an impossible scenario. Assertiveness does require you to step up and let others know what you want. It’s not about being confrontational, because that achieves nothing. Yet, there is an insistence that is needed which revolves around your needs and wants.

The benefits of using  “I” statements are:

  • They reduce defensiveness as there is no blaming or accusations
  • Through sharing how a situation affects you, others can empathize and appreciate your perspective
  • You get to take control of your feelings and emotions. This allows you to gain self-awareness and personal responsibility
  • By expressing your emotions and needs, it makes it easier for others to respond with clarity and that results in healthier interactions

Here are some examples of comments to inspire you:

  • When you have too much work and are overwhelmed say “I feel swamped by the amount of work I have at the moment and it’s a challenge to meet my deadlines. I’m concerned that I am sacrificing quality for the sake of quantity. Could we talk about reassigning some of this work?”
  • You’re having dinner and your partner is on their phone, ignoring you tell them “I feel unimportant when you are constantly on the phone. I value our time together and want to connect with you during these times.”
  • A roommate often leaves a mess around the place, inform your roomie “I feel stressed whenever I see the rooms untidy. For me, having a clean area allows me to relax. Would you be open to considering a cleaning schedule?”
  • If a friend constantly arrives late, leaving you feeling disregarded, let them know that by saying “I feel disappointed when you turn up late because I look forward to our time together and want to make the most of it.”

“I” statements are a powerful way to communicate your needs in a way that builds understanding and cooperation, increasing the possibility that others will respond to you positively. As you can see from the examples above, there is no accusation. There is no condemnation. There is simply an assertive individual sharing how they feel.

4. Active listening and validation

When you listen to someone, truly listen to them, that builds mutual respect and understanding. With assertiveness, active listening allows you to be conscious of the other person’s feelings, acknowledging them as valid emotions, but still holding your ground if necessary.

Be open and non-judgmental to alternative ideas. Don’t interrupt when the other person is speaking. Once they have finished saying their piece, if you don’t fully agree with what they are telling you, say so by beginning with “I understand where you are coming from…”

After that, you can express your view calmly and confidently. If there are common goals or perspectives, highlighting these helps bridge the differences while showing mutual respect for one another’s views.

5. Build confidence through small wins

Earlier, I mentioned how I made a small step in becoming assertive. That was a breakthrough for me and let me know that I can refuse requests without the catastrophic consequences I imagined would happen.

If being assertive is something that resembles a nightmare for you, let me assure you that it isn’t. Start with low-stake situations such as disagreeing with a friend or family member.

Also, begin to set boundaries around your time and availability. If someone invites you out and you don’t want to go, politely decline without having to give a full-blown explanation as to why you can’t go.

Sometimes, people overstep boundaries through something they do or say. If you feel violated by this, speak up and kindly but calmly let them know that you aren’t comfortable.

Voice your opinion if you are in a group. As I mentioned, I thought I had nothing to contribute or felt that my ideas were of no value when compared to those of other people Yet, I came to understand that my idea(s) may just be what everyone is looking for.

Next time you are in a restaurant or store and there is a mistake made that affects you, let the staff know. Be clear about your needs and requests. For example, you could say:

“I’d like some extra milk with my coffee, please.”

“I’m sorry, but I asked for a blue scarf and you gave me a green one.”

All the preceding paragraphs are suggestions designed to help you start small in your assertiveness training. Beginning with such daily situations helps you establish a foundation of confidence from which you can build an edifice of assertiveness.

A self-assured you

Assertiveness isn’t about brushing people off and acting arrogantly. It’s a skill that ensures you are taking care of yourself. Being a person who says “Yes” to everything only leads to mental, physical, and emotional burnout. At that point, you aren’t going to be able to help anyone.

Being assertive sends the message that you respect yourself. You know what you will and won’t tolerate. Your boundaries are clear.

If self-confidence is something in your life that is lacking, start slowly and then continue to make steps toward becoming a self-assured individual.

It took me years to become that type of person. I am grateful for the work and effort that I put in as has allowed me to be comfortable with myself but still show respect and mutual understanding to those around me.

Being assertive isn’t you saying “No”. It’s you saying “I need to take care of myself first.” You will get admiration from others for doing so.

– Brian Simms